10Calendula4Days

Who doesn’t remember The L word Dinah Shore episode? I guess most of us, wanted to join such parties or even go there but let’s be honest… For most of the lesbian outside the US, it’s kind of hard to make such a trip. So what do we do, oh well, nothing. At least that is what I thought.

A few weeks ago a friend and I decided we would try to go to the Dinah Shore 2018. So we started searching for hotels, tickets etc… However, as we searched further, we notice it  would cost at least 5000 euro (around 5800 dollar). Despite our fulltime job, that’s way too much. At the end of our search we decided to not to go. Too bad though.

I was really disappointed, we had worked so hard and there we were no holiday. I remembered there was a festival in the UK were Heather Peace (Lipservice) was one of the  performing artist. So I started searching for the best lesbian festivals in Europe. So guess what I found? “Barcelona Girlie Circuit”. Apparently, this is the European lesbian party of the year. So guess what I/we did? We booked it. It might not be like Dinah Shore but we are sure gonna enjoy it as if.  

I can’t wait for it… I am almost becoming 30 so this will be my goodbye 20’s. I hope to meet a lot and more than a lot of women. I am going to enjoy it to the fullest and I would invite everybody to join. Meanwhile we are going to save for  Dinah Shore 2019.

If you’ve read my previous blogs, you notice I have dusty old love/crush and she is going. So be ready for some more drama hahaha… Just kidding. I am just happy I can still enjoy my summer holiday on a lesbian way.

It’s been so long… More than 2 years already. During that time I’ve had the opportunity to grow. I’ve learned a lot of things about love, trust and self-respect. It feels as if I’ve mature these past months/years. I am grateful for the relationships I’ve had, the ex’s I’ve met, the friends I lost and the love I’m not able to forget. As from now, I’ll start writing again. Namaste…  

Many words used to describe love. Maar jij bent de enige die mijn taal van liefde begrijpt. O nosso amor um pelo outro vai fazer-nos render. En ti voy a encontrar la lealtad, la atención que necesito y tal vez la compasión . Aber wir wissen beide, dass Liebe kann man nicht kaufen, es geht um Geben und Nehmen. Io voglio che tu sia solo mia e io prometto di essere solo tua. Je veux que vous aimez vraiment. Benimle gel. Wees niet bang, we zullen samen de wereld ontdekken. Viveremos felizes juntos. Només tu i jo. When that day comes I’ll know because you will whisper in my ears: Jag älskar dig. O mejor dicho: MI E DOD NA BO.

♡ If you could read all that without any help, you are my dream girl. But then again, you probably don’t exist because you are in my dream. ♡

“I must tell you something. As you know, we promised to be honest to each other. Well, I have a girlfriend”. Those were the words that came out of her mouth after I had spent two nights with her(my new crush). How could I blame her for lying or playing me? She was being honest as agreed and we did not have/had a relationship. As a grown up I made the decision to have sex with her only 4 hours after seeing her for the first time and after whatsapping her for 2 months. To be honest, I also used her to kill the loneliness of being single. 

At that moment, I honestly did not know how to behave. At that moment I could only thing of how my ex had hurt me. The situation I was in at that moment seemed another naive mistake of mine. Most people would have gone mad but I stayed calm and gave her the opportunity to explain. I had spent so many times meditating and trying to improve my life; I decided not to let such thing have an impact on me.

She explained that she was in an open relationship, which meant that she had a girlfriend and together they agreed that having sex with other people would be allowed. Somehow, the guilt feeling I had went away. She told me that her girlfriend lived abroad and that she could not be in a monogamous relationship. She claimed that she hated lying or liars and since she was aware of what my ex did to me, she wanted to be honest. Of course, she also told me she liked me very much.

I don’t know why until this day, I cannot be mad at her. The last time(then) she had seen her girlfriend was when we started talking. That same night she skyped with her girlfriend during my presence and, although I was behind the screen, she was also honest towards her. Of course, her girlfriend admitted that she preferred not to know. Special because I had more chance to see her(my crush) more often in comparison to her.

Ever since, I’ve seen her (my new crush) a few times already and I must admit I’ve became keen on her. Despite it all, she has been of great help. The times I spend with her, she made me feel happy. She helped me out with professional issues and introduced me to new kind of positive people that could help me in my personal of professional life. What I like of her the most is that she is smart, she has ambition and most import is that she is indeed honest. Not to mention what she can do between the sheets.

At a certain point we started having serious conversation. She told me that she would like to start (also) an open relationship with me. It seemed tempting to have a relationship with no strings attached but when I looked deep down I knew it was not what I wanted. So I said “No” and that I would like to see her but that I prefered not to have a serious relationship with her. At the end of the day, I want someone who will only be mine and with whom I will have a family. I am certain she would be a great partner, if she would be committed to one person.

An open lesbian relationship of three people, from my point of few, would be doomed to fail. There would be too much hormones and (honest) jealousy involved. Questions regarding having a child or getting married would probably become an issue. Not to mention, that I believe that eventually 2 member of the party would eventually fall in love with each other, which would hurt the other one.

A few days ago, her girlfriend came to visit her and she is staying for at least a week. This for me was a confirmation of that I could never be in an open relationship. Because her girlfriend is visiting her, I cannot really contact her. Making me feel like a side chick. Although she asked me to meanwhile think about it, I already know that I don’t even want a sexual relationship with her (anymore).  

Despite of the bad experiences I had, I know I can love and that I can be loved. Loneliness might sometimes be killing but with patience I know one day I’ll find the one with whom I will share my life with. Meanwhile I’ll enjoy myself with boredom and invest in (my) personal development.    

Being single at the end of the day can make the bed look big and make the sheets feel cold.

Somebody once told me that the best way to get over an old love is by finding a new one…

Love is not only about feelings but also about actions. Like we often like to say where I am from, actions speak louder than words. Many times I’ve watched movies where people (mainly man) physically and mentally abuse their partners. Although often (heterosexual) men are indirectly portrait as the stereotype abuser, I’ve noticed some lesbians also commit these types of mistakes or like some would say crimes.

Many times I found myself saying things such as; “I would never let someone treat me that way” or “I would never be so crazy in love with an abuser”.  I guess that is what most people would say if they were not in the same situation or let alone understand the situation. Sadly enough some lesbians until this day still believe it’s something normal. At least I can proudly say that my friends are not that way.

Sadly, I cannot say the same thing about my ex. When I started dating her, she told me how her ex-girlfriends would hit her during fights. I remember her telling me how she was surprised that during our first disagreement I did not try to hit her. Apparently, I was living in a world where relationship violence only existed on television.

I guess that I should have known better back then. Many times during our disagreement she would be on the edge of hitting me. Once she even grabbed me on my neck and then hit the wall. Her aggression was obvious but I would always make some excuse. E.g. blaming her past, family, criminal friends etc… As things started to get worse, I also started to fall more in love. From my point view it was not that bad because it only lasted a few minutes, I did not had bruises and some people had it worse than I did.

Now, if you read my block you’ll know I broke up with that ex almost half year ago. We’ve had some sexual and emotional encounters the first two weeks after I return from my trip abroad, but nothing violent. Until off course I started distancing myself from her. Apparently she could not handle it. She started trying things like being every I was and putting herself difficult situation in which I would end up letting her sleep at my place because she knew I would never let her sleep on the streets.

A few days ago a friend of ours, actually mine, invited us to her home party. Since I was having too much drama I decided to ignore her the entire night. So I chilled with some friends but kept it normal. I did not even dance and if you know me you know something is not okay. At the end of the night some of my friends offered to bring me home, obviously, she insisted to go with me with the excuse of getting of the car with me and then taking a cap. To keep the story short, I did not want her sleeping with me so I stayed at my friend’s house (the one giving the party).

After everybody was gone and my friend asleep, she went crazy. Trying to force her way on me. When I refused she literally try to choke me. Saying thing like: “I’ll show you”, “You will only be mine” and many other ugly things. She was so drunk that I could had easily knock her out but I guess violence is not in my gene. Instead of hitting back, I would only dodge her fists. I screamed to see if my friend would wake up. Things went so bad that I thought she would literally kill me. Eventually I managed to get outside and call another friend of mine to pick me up.

I walked a few blocks away from the house and waited there for her, meanwhile I saw my ex looking for me so I hide behind a car. After 15min orso my friend arrived and brought me home. I was crying like crazy. I just could not believe I let something like that happen to me even after such a long time. My ex continued calling me (51 missed calls) the entire night. She was even in front of my door.  I thread with calling the cops so eventually she went away. The next day she continued calling me. I send her a message telling her to leave me and my family alone otherwise I would call the cops.

Now I wonder if I should have called the cops and/or tell my friends and family. I am certain that it would have ruined her live. Nobody knows about what happened aside the friend that picked me up. The other friend giving the party was apparently so drunk that she was sleeping so deep and did not hear anything. It’s obvious for me that I don’t want see her ever again. However, we have a common place we visit at least 3 times a week. I don’t know if I should tell our friend. If I do so they will never talk to her and they will put her aside. Since my friends are now the only friends she has, she will be totally lonely.

Right now all I want is to be left in peace. I don’t want to see her and I don’t feel the need to go to the police. I believe that what goes around comes around. It’s not on me to punish someone who is obviously mentally weak. If she deserves to be punished, live will find a way to do so. Things are going well since I’m single, that I don’t want anything that has to do with her wasting my time and energy.

One thing I’ve learned though is that despite the fact that things might be looking good (e.g. the party at my friend’s house), I should have paid more attention to my gut feelings. I knew before going to the party that something bad was going to happen and that I should had left earlier when a friend of mine suggested. Oh well, from every mistake one must learn. I just think it’s sad. She is the only one that pushed it so far… I love love but hate violence.

I’ve been single for a while now and like John Mayer said “I’m perfectly lonely”. Despite the advice of my friends I did had contact with my ex at the beginning. I guess it was because I always had someone around me but things has changed. I only want to have her around me as friend. As hard as it might sound, her presence is starting to annoy me. I can’t do anything without her controlling everything I do. It might sound hard but she blew up her chance with me.

Ever since I’ve returned from my trip abroad, I’ve been feeling happier then when I had a relationship with her. Apparently, this positivity has affected my surrounding. I’ve noticed the increase of interest. The only downside is that it’s not coming from people I’m interested in. They only are interested in me (now), because I lost a lot a weight and I look better now.    

One of the things I noticed, is that I am still interested in my ex of 5 years ago. Am I being selfish? It’s been only a few months since I broke up with my most resent ex and the only person I’m interested in now is my ex of 5 years ago. Call me crazy but she is also single now and somehow I feel the need to simply date her.

Although I have these ideas I’m not going to act upon them. I’ll keep my distance also for the sake of my resent ex. It would tear her apart knowing that I felt for my old ex of 5 years ago, only after a few months breaking up with her. Funny, I told a heterosexual friend of mine and she start laughing. She told me that we (lesbians) love drama. Oh I forgot, my ex of 5 years ago is back in town. Meaning that she is now also a part of my friend circle. I can predict it already, this is going to be again another lesbian drama story. Seriously, if I tell you the entire story of my lesbian friend circle you’d be surprise. Our love drama would top the TLW.  

My resolutions for 2016: “Being happy”